awareness?

What my little experiment with the glove (how silly it looked), made me think about was awareness. Feldenkrais stuff is focused on conscious awareness, paying attention, yet my question is, if we can change (negatively) our bodies by bad habits without being aware that we are doing it, then surely, we can alter them in a positive way too, without always this focused "awareness". Is not that a variation on the idea of reversibility?
When I wore the glove(see previous post), without paying attention to it, my subconscious, lower level functions surely did, because changes kept jumping into my awareness, when I was totally focused on other activities and had forgotten all about the glove. Maybe positive changes can be made with differences to the body's sensations/movements, without always the need for "awareness". We all have picked up habits subconsciously (such as a friends favorite word, a way of sitting in the car), so why not pick up beneficial habits subconsciously too? I still think awareness is king, don't get me wrong, but we underestimate the power of the subconscious, or the "just underneath the surface" thought. Why, just ask any psychiatrist or psychologist! Back to practicing movement experiments without the glove for a while, but I am more open to the idea of improvement not having to be such a time consuming hard slog....there is gold to be found in plain old not concentrating variety.

Movement experiments

I find pain and discomfort a great motivator for trying new things. Today, after work I have come up with the probably no t so novel idea of wearing a glove on my right hand, to improve the awareness and dexterity of my left hand. It is a ski glove, so it is bulky, fairly stiff and not conducive to helping me type this blog! Why on earth would you do such a thing, I hear you say...well, blame it on concepts by Feldenkrais and the book "The brain that changes itself", and of course my bent for trying the unconventional, because, God knows, the conventional never worked! I have no pain or mobility issues that impair my hand, but one of my legs has discomfort issues that affect my ability to do lots of things, as well as peace of mind. and ability to get a good night's sleep. Regular Feldekrais has helped enormously with most other joints, but this one side persists in its ability to let the team down. So, some training is required. Exercises, even gentle exercises non weight bearing ones aggravate the situation, so with the idea that the toes and feet are closely related, I am improving the awareness of my left hand, to help my left leg. Whilst this might sound weird to some people, I play with movement "games" I invent regularly, to try and improve the way the body functions (so as to decrease pain). And many times it works to a small degree, but this time I am hoping for something more. With the games I play, and the Feldenkrais lessons, you can only keep your attention focused for so long, then you get all fuzzy minded, and the conscious part gets tired. Here, with the glove on my hand, I am hoping when my attention span wanders, the subconscious part of my mind will still be attending to the differences.....So, I can keep the glove on for hours, and forget about it, but the body will still be noticing. I have to do more with my left hand than normal. Two interesting things I have noticed already, is the the feel of things in my hand comes to my attention, soft or smooth surfaces, cold, rough. This is not something I normally pay attention to. Also when I walk around the house, I am especially conscious of my left torso, without purposefully putting my attention there. Oh so interesting..... I will let you know how it goes ; )

The rollercoaster ride.

There is an eastern/Buddhist saying about how our enemies are our greatest teachers. I have been trying to focus on this concept lately. Not that I have any enemies(well, that I know about anyway), but you could put into that category people who work against what we would like to see happen, or people whose habits or personalities rub us the wrong way, or circumstances that see us under "attack". What I have learnt so far this year about myself(that I did not know before):

1. That in most circumstances I can keep my cool, even when faced with irrationality and lies. Falling apart later, in private is allowed in moderate doses!

2. People generally don't mean to be obstructive to others, its just that it's about them and their agenda, you could be Joe, Jack or Judy, and they would still be behaving the same way. It's not personal!

3. That keeping your head down, trying to stay out of trouble and put in a good days work does not prevent bad things happening. It's part of life. Dealing with negative things with a appropriate action and good grace, if it does not have a positive effect on the situation, then makes you feel better about yourself.

4. Friends are invaluable, they don't have to pick sides against your enemies, they just have to support you!

5. Acknowledging your emotions, both the rational and irrational ones, makes your plan of action easier.

6. And even more so than I knew before, it's the small things in general, that are so important. So much potential for wonderful moments, even when under siege!

Note to self: It's a journey.

What do you do when you thought you had the solutions figured out, and then it becomes apparent, they don't work anymore?
With pain and mobility there are so many "tricks", most of them I have taken from experts and adapted to suit my needs, and many I have discovered for myself. But what happens, as has been the case for many years now, you get to attached to the ideas of the tricks being the answer, you think to yourself, "I can relax now, I got it figured out"? "I know how to manage/fix this problem." And then the tricks don't work anymore, or they work, but not to the degree they used to.
Its a gentle (and very often not so gentle) about becoming too fixed on one idea, or a set of ideas. Discovering a "trick" usually involved an in depth process of learning and exploration, but once we have the "trick", that exploration is gone, and we go to the end of the story. Sure, we find out the ending of the story, but after a while, missing the whole tale, the chapters, the journey, starts to impact us. And the book does not bring satisfaction anymore.
I know I am rambling, using analogies, but anyone who has had ongoing physical issues (and perhaps it is true for mental issues as well), may be the readers of this blog who have similar issues might understand what I am trying to say.
I think it is a Feldenkrais idea that the process is the important part, not the outcome. And whilst, those of us in pain think, "how stupid is that!", it is true, because after a while, the outcome changes to something less meaningful (with less positive results). I love the Feldenkrais bit of writing that goes something like treating the means as if it were the aim. Such a short phrase, but when you get your head into it, so amazing a concept for not only getting in and out of chairs, but almost everything in life! Just saying that phrase makes me slow down my movements, become more aware.
The journey never stops, when we think we are getting to the destination, it is only a mirage,and it is to our detriment if we believe it.

Challenges

Life is full of peaks and troughs, and I suppose I have hit one of those troughs. In my personal life, self development (sounds narcissistic I know), and health, feel I am growing and improving. But nothing is smooth sailing for ever, that is the nature of things.

I have been told today that my employment is going to cease and to look for another job. Apparently in these economic times, they don't want workers who can only work part-time, as it costs employers too much money. And that is true, I can't argue with that. My problem is I cannot work full time, due to physical limitations. Whilst I really aspire to work full time in the future, I know I am not there yet. I struggle, not always on a daily basis, but close. Some days much better than others.
I suppose I am in a state of shock, as have been assured verbally on many occasions that I would be made permanent, and that my job was secure.

Trying to think of budget strategies, starting today. I did not go to the supermarket on the way home, making do with whats in the fridge, and I definitely need to cut out my morning soy latte. The budget thing is already buzzing around in my brain. The good thing is someone forwarded a job advertisement, for part-time work in an area I have some experience (health education). It is only another contract, but it goes for 12 months, and maybe by then I will be well enough to work full time, or work in a more physically demanding job? I just don't know. I have just received funding application for a project I am working on in my current job? What about the other projects I am working on at the moment? (I work in health education and health promotion with adolescents). I'm a bit at a loss. I am applying for this other job, but I love my job where I work at the moment. Trying not to panic, just trying to think about one thing at a time, maybe tomorrow morning will bring some clarity.

Internet Dating

Its amazing how putting out a profile creates a certain vibe. With just a few words and spelling mistakes (put me in that basket), it conveys a lot of info. Much more than the author anticipates. People try not to be generic to stand out; but then they stand out for the wrong reasons. (In my biased opinion anyway.) I wrote in a previous blog how questionnaires are very useful. It is only when people leave it blank that it creates uncertainty. Are they really open to anything, or do they have no opinion, so put nothing down. Which is worse?
My question is, based on the last month or two is, why are males with handlebar moustaches attracted to me? What is it in my photo that says "hey, I like moustaches'? Because it is a long way from the truth. Anyway, met a friend in person after Internet chatting for the first time. Have had long phone conversation with other people, but this was the first "flesh" meeting if you like. And the big question is always going to be, "does this person match their written word?". In this instance it was "yes". Good to know. Internet dating's not such a bad thing after all. Indeed Internet dating has a lot of potential...profile questionnaire anyone?

Hooray for Feldenkrais and listening to your body!

Without Feldenkrais, and my own determination and experimentation I don't where I would be, perhaps not even still here. Not believing everything I was told, and experiencing and experimenting with success and failure has lead me to regain a lot of mobility and enjoyment in life. Who knows what I'll be able to do in another 5 years!

Fire

So much has been said, written and telecast about the bushfires, that there is nothing to say that has not been said. I suppose the things that are in my head can be put in main points:

1. Is this the new weather for us, onging drought, and increased bushfires? My home which is in a semi bush area is feeling less " forever". Not that I want to move away, but perhaps I am appreciating the increased risk of living where I live. And love to live; which is amongst the trees and birds and other things.

2. Is this nature's way of ensuring we don't encroach so heavily on the bush? And if so, are we going to then defeat nature (and therefore defeat ourselves via planetry warming) by clearing land even more.

3. How generous people are, but why does it take a big event for people to want to help other people. I have heard about a new book by Peter Singer that souns relevant and interesting.

4. Your friends and local community are so important in times of crisis. I feel almost disconnected to mine. I shop in the local shops for at least 1/4 of my shoppping, but with no children and no sport playing or club involvement, am I missing out and missing out on contributing to others. I used to travel to other suburbs to do volunteer work, why was that?

5. An ethicist on the radio yesterday talked about the need to help every body to rebuild that was going to butt up against the concept of fairness. As in those with full insurance, many years of thousands of dollars worth, being able to rebuild, whilst those who did not have insurance being able to rebuild also? What an emotional & intellectual quagmire that is!

6. The season is a long way from over yet.
May there be sufficient warning.

Heat Wave

Well, first it was the shock of being back at work, now it is the heat wave. Trying not to whinge too much, and indeed keeping busy, when energy allows, actually is a good thing, it takes your mind off it.

What's a very unfortunate consequence of the heat is the damage to the garden. Yesterday, the day we actually broke the heat records, I decided to just let some of the plants die. On water restrictions, and with only using recycled water, how can you water a fairly large garden?

I am trying to save certain plants, such as the natives I put in during Autumn, but lots are dead and many are close to it. The 3 large tomatoe bushes, which I have been carefully looking after are on the sacrifice list, what a waste. And many salvias, beautiful purple and bright blue ones, will be dead by today or tomorrow. So much for dry tolerant plants, even they cannot survive the frying. A few of the camelias have browned leaves, but they should make it, the susceptible ones already died off last year. And as a facing the fact of global warminig and temperature change, I have decided also to stop trying to keep the treee ferns alive. That is very sad, as there are about 6 large ones, and I think some of them have been here about 20 years (since the house was built). They will have to be pulled out in autumn/winter. and replaced with maybe some smaller growing ferns or tougher plants. Living in a shady garden is no longer enough if the temperature rises to high. The 2 large daphne bushes are almost dead, but thankfully I saw this coming last year, hence the obsession with planting a range of Correas! They, and Grevilleas, once they get going, love it around here. They can cope with the poor soil and the semi shade.

The front yard is a waste land, but that started in winter when it became obvious I did not have the energy or muscle power to look after both the front and back yards. So, despite the fact that is the part that not many people see, I have been focusing on the back yard. It is where I "hang out", so that is more important to me than appearances.

Maybe I will have to rethink even more this year about what to remove. Noticing what has survived, even without watering has been interesting. A Desert pea from WA looks as if it is business as usual, obviously need to plant some more of those. Also the Cherry Pies (Heliotrope), whilst looking sad, have had no deaths so far, and I have lots of them around.

An opportunity to visit nurseries to get some more natives in Autumn, makes the whole dying garden thing no quite so depressing. Birth, growth, death, all in the cycle that is life. The veggie patch is going to be cut in half. Replaced by, it was going to be more herbs, but now natives. This year I have discovered that keeping lettuces and herbs in pots, so you can put them in the shade, can provide quite enough for the kitchen. (I swore off pots last year ironically enough....the cycle of opinion as well!)

Here's to cooler days, and just a little more rain.....

Procrastination

Procrastination would have to be one of my biggest problems in many areas of my life. I am a triple certified procrastinator, in work life, home life, and really any area that is not directly related to eating or sleeping. From Maslow's hierachy I suppose that would make me sitting comfy half way up the pyramid, and looking up at the rest of the pyramid looming above, thinking "oh, yes, I really must do that soon". Very minimal movement in any direction until dire consequences start threatening, and woops, see how fast I really can really move!
Take this blogging business for instance, here I am typing away at the computer whilst I have a significant piece of work I have to do at home today. Start small was my new motto recently, just take one small step at a time, and soon you will find you are well underway. Great advice from self help books. Problem is, I am not a small step kinda gal. It's all or nothing with me, jump right in that pool, or complete disdain at the thought of getting a toe wet. Passionate, is what I would like to call it, but really a full on case of black or white thinking. And that's where the procrastination comes in. It's do it all, right now, climb that mountain, don't stop. Or don't even start. There's the rub.

"Only put off tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"
Pablo Picassso

I found this quote this morning about procrastination, it's one that's hopefully going to shake me out of my procrastination fog (I love a mixed metaphor). Now, to begin.....

Values and perhaps Internet dating?

Today at work I was planning a lesson and some group work about stress management for students. I remember hearing or reading somewhere, perhaps at a workshop, that the further away from our values our life is, the more stressful it is. It got me thinking. Not just about how to approach the topic with young people for work, but also about values in general.

I have thought about my own values a bit lately. But what about the values of other people we interact with? If they have similar values does it mean they are likely to remain friends, or become friends over time, or is more circumstance and matching of personalities? What about workplaces and work colleagues who have different values, is that job or employment doomed. You are next in line for retrenchment because you value different things to your manager? There are always work mission statements and values, but what about the Real Ones, you know, what actually happens? We live closely with mates/spouses or partners, (or, you would hope so!), so, if they have very different values to ours its a doomed relationship? In that case even some of my friends and I would have to part!

At work we were talking, (yes, we were doing some work as well....), and it appears that finding a mate by Internet dating is certainly more popular than I thought it was. Ticking boxes about likes, dislikes, and values is perhaps a great way to get to the real core of the compatibility issue. Providing people don't lie much more than they would in person, (which is quite a lot in real life I am led to believe). Does the same concept about a mate/spouse's values apply to us? That is, if they have different values, is it simply one big stressful life waiting to unfold? Or are the other factors in relationship more or just as important, such as personality. Myself, I like the idea of a short cut, not just for finding a partner, but also for perhaps giving to friends and people you meet. Hey you, just fill in this questionnaire would you......

Skype and more

Wow, what a great way to communicate. First time user today with the webcam. It's amazing how much better communication is when you can see the other person. I had used the phone only part of skype before, which was just like a phonecall, but this is different. The issue is, you can see the other person, but occassionally both you and they momentarily forget they are on camera....the odd scratching, wiggling in the seat, pulling faces, that perhaps we wouldn't use in person. Its a funny thing to think about, how we "act" in the presence of another person, whether consciously or subconsciously.

Pulling me back into the presence was the video of me, right there in the corner......rubbing the hayfever nose, moving forward and back, grinning like a Chesire cat, God, do I do that all the time? Or is it my "bymyself" act? Perhaps a bit more self awareness practice is needed.

Letting your guard down with friends can be a bit of a shock when it is beamed back at you in full colour. A bit like the mirror in the clothes shop change rooms. I like to think how I look, (or more truthfully, avoid thinking about how I look), and seeing what others see is a shock. Is what I feel from the inside more helpful, or less destructive than seeing from the outside, even if the outside is more accurate?

I suppose trying to combine observed external facts with the internal observed self is what things like feldenkrais and ACT therapy are about. One is based around the physical self, the other the mental self, but both have surprising crossover effects. If you don't know what feldenkrais is, I suppose it is about body awareness and learning about what we do, and what also can be possible. ACT is about mind and values awareness, what we do, and what we can do to act more in accordance with our values. I personally have found these two practices to complement each other very well. But practice being the essential word.....

So, here's to some more reality and less avoidance; through practice, and some more practice.
Though perhaps with the camera moved just that little further away......

Starting the New Year with technology

Blogging. Well, who'ld have thunk it? Too paranoid as a teenager to ever write anything in my diary that was really interesting, for fear of someone reading it, now this. A diary, slash, rant, slash, self obsessed conversation for everyone on the internet to see. Well, I say again, who'ld have thunk it!
The idea will be to try and to keep to one topic each blog. Difficult for me as I tend to go off on multiple tangents, but that's the aim anyway. Quite exciting really. A year of coming of age. The technological age that is. We'll see how it goes...............................