awareness?

What my little experiment with the glove (how silly it looked), made me think about was awareness. Feldenkrais stuff is focused on conscious awareness, paying attention, yet my question is, if we can change (negatively) our bodies by bad habits without being aware that we are doing it, then surely, we can alter them in a positive way too, without always this focused "awareness". Is not that a variation on the idea of reversibility?
When I wore the glove(see previous post), without paying attention to it, my subconscious, lower level functions surely did, because changes kept jumping into my awareness, when I was totally focused on other activities and had forgotten all about the glove. Maybe positive changes can be made with differences to the body's sensations/movements, without always the need for "awareness". We all have picked up habits subconsciously (such as a friends favorite word, a way of sitting in the car), so why not pick up beneficial habits subconsciously too? I still think awareness is king, don't get me wrong, but we underestimate the power of the subconscious, or the "just underneath the surface" thought. Why, just ask any psychiatrist or psychologist! Back to practicing movement experiments without the glove for a while, but I am more open to the idea of improvement not having to be such a time consuming hard slog....there is gold to be found in plain old not concentrating variety.

Movement experiments

I find pain and discomfort a great motivator for trying new things. Today, after work I have come up with the probably no t so novel idea of wearing a glove on my right hand, to improve the awareness and dexterity of my left hand. It is a ski glove, so it is bulky, fairly stiff and not conducive to helping me type this blog! Why on earth would you do such a thing, I hear you say...well, blame it on concepts by Feldenkrais and the book "The brain that changes itself", and of course my bent for trying the unconventional, because, God knows, the conventional never worked! I have no pain or mobility issues that impair my hand, but one of my legs has discomfort issues that affect my ability to do lots of things, as well as peace of mind. and ability to get a good night's sleep. Regular Feldekrais has helped enormously with most other joints, but this one side persists in its ability to let the team down. So, some training is required. Exercises, even gentle exercises non weight bearing ones aggravate the situation, so with the idea that the toes and feet are closely related, I am improving the awareness of my left hand, to help my left leg. Whilst this might sound weird to some people, I play with movement "games" I invent regularly, to try and improve the way the body functions (so as to decrease pain). And many times it works to a small degree, but this time I am hoping for something more. With the games I play, and the Feldenkrais lessons, you can only keep your attention focused for so long, then you get all fuzzy minded, and the conscious part gets tired. Here, with the glove on my hand, I am hoping when my attention span wanders, the subconscious part of my mind will still be attending to the differences.....So, I can keep the glove on for hours, and forget about it, but the body will still be noticing. I have to do more with my left hand than normal. Two interesting things I have noticed already, is the the feel of things in my hand comes to my attention, soft or smooth surfaces, cold, rough. This is not something I normally pay attention to. Also when I walk around the house, I am especially conscious of my left torso, without purposefully putting my attention there. Oh so interesting..... I will let you know how it goes ; )

The rollercoaster ride.

There is an eastern/Buddhist saying about how our enemies are our greatest teachers. I have been trying to focus on this concept lately. Not that I have any enemies(well, that I know about anyway), but you could put into that category people who work against what we would like to see happen, or people whose habits or personalities rub us the wrong way, or circumstances that see us under "attack". What I have learnt so far this year about myself(that I did not know before):

1. That in most circumstances I can keep my cool, even when faced with irrationality and lies. Falling apart later, in private is allowed in moderate doses!

2. People generally don't mean to be obstructive to others, its just that it's about them and their agenda, you could be Joe, Jack or Judy, and they would still be behaving the same way. It's not personal!

3. That keeping your head down, trying to stay out of trouble and put in a good days work does not prevent bad things happening. It's part of life. Dealing with negative things with a appropriate action and good grace, if it does not have a positive effect on the situation, then makes you feel better about yourself.

4. Friends are invaluable, they don't have to pick sides against your enemies, they just have to support you!

5. Acknowledging your emotions, both the rational and irrational ones, makes your plan of action easier.

6. And even more so than I knew before, it's the small things in general, that are so important. So much potential for wonderful moments, even when under siege!

Note to self: It's a journey.

What do you do when you thought you had the solutions figured out, and then it becomes apparent, they don't work anymore?
With pain and mobility there are so many "tricks", most of them I have taken from experts and adapted to suit my needs, and many I have discovered for myself. But what happens, as has been the case for many years now, you get to attached to the ideas of the tricks being the answer, you think to yourself, "I can relax now, I got it figured out"? "I know how to manage/fix this problem." And then the tricks don't work anymore, or they work, but not to the degree they used to.
Its a gentle (and very often not so gentle) about becoming too fixed on one idea, or a set of ideas. Discovering a "trick" usually involved an in depth process of learning and exploration, but once we have the "trick", that exploration is gone, and we go to the end of the story. Sure, we find out the ending of the story, but after a while, missing the whole tale, the chapters, the journey, starts to impact us. And the book does not bring satisfaction anymore.
I know I am rambling, using analogies, but anyone who has had ongoing physical issues (and perhaps it is true for mental issues as well), may be the readers of this blog who have similar issues might understand what I am trying to say.
I think it is a Feldenkrais idea that the process is the important part, not the outcome. And whilst, those of us in pain think, "how stupid is that!", it is true, because after a while, the outcome changes to something less meaningful (with less positive results). I love the Feldenkrais bit of writing that goes something like treating the means as if it were the aim. Such a short phrase, but when you get your head into it, so amazing a concept for not only getting in and out of chairs, but almost everything in life! Just saying that phrase makes me slow down my movements, become more aware.
The journey never stops, when we think we are getting to the destination, it is only a mirage,and it is to our detriment if we believe it.

Challenges

Life is full of peaks and troughs, and I suppose I have hit one of those troughs. In my personal life, self development (sounds narcissistic I know), and health, feel I am growing and improving. But nothing is smooth sailing for ever, that is the nature of things.

I have been told today that my employment is going to cease and to look for another job. Apparently in these economic times, they don't want workers who can only work part-time, as it costs employers too much money. And that is true, I can't argue with that. My problem is I cannot work full time, due to physical limitations. Whilst I really aspire to work full time in the future, I know I am not there yet. I struggle, not always on a daily basis, but close. Some days much better than others.
I suppose I am in a state of shock, as have been assured verbally on many occasions that I would be made permanent, and that my job was secure.

Trying to think of budget strategies, starting today. I did not go to the supermarket on the way home, making do with whats in the fridge, and I definitely need to cut out my morning soy latte. The budget thing is already buzzing around in my brain. The good thing is someone forwarded a job advertisement, for part-time work in an area I have some experience (health education). It is only another contract, but it goes for 12 months, and maybe by then I will be well enough to work full time, or work in a more physically demanding job? I just don't know. I have just received funding application for a project I am working on in my current job? What about the other projects I am working on at the moment? (I work in health education and health promotion with adolescents). I'm a bit at a loss. I am applying for this other job, but I love my job where I work at the moment. Trying not to panic, just trying to think about one thing at a time, maybe tomorrow morning will bring some clarity.

Internet Dating

Its amazing how putting out a profile creates a certain vibe. With just a few words and spelling mistakes (put me in that basket), it conveys a lot of info. Much more than the author anticipates. People try not to be generic to stand out; but then they stand out for the wrong reasons. (In my biased opinion anyway.) I wrote in a previous blog how questionnaires are very useful. It is only when people leave it blank that it creates uncertainty. Are they really open to anything, or do they have no opinion, so put nothing down. Which is worse?
My question is, based on the last month or two is, why are males with handlebar moustaches attracted to me? What is it in my photo that says "hey, I like moustaches'? Because it is a long way from the truth. Anyway, met a friend in person after Internet chatting for the first time. Have had long phone conversation with other people, but this was the first "flesh" meeting if you like. And the big question is always going to be, "does this person match their written word?". In this instance it was "yes". Good to know. Internet dating's not such a bad thing after all. Indeed Internet dating has a lot of potential...profile questionnaire anyone?

Hooray for Feldenkrais and listening to your body!

Without Feldenkrais, and my own determination and experimentation I don't where I would be, perhaps not even still here. Not believing everything I was told, and experiencing and experimenting with success and failure has lead me to regain a lot of mobility and enjoyment in life. Who knows what I'll be able to do in another 5 years!